Sunday, 4 December 2011


A couple of weeks ago, at BR's 40th birthday bash, I met SF again. He is a good friend of my friend FR, I have known him for a couple of years and it is always fun to chat with him. SF is from Germany, living in Amsterdam and running a small ladies' bags store. His German accent is so cute, and he is an over-the-top bear queen. Two days later I bumped into him again at Taboo bar, where he told me the next day he would go on holiday to Gran Canaria and he was so happy as he hadn't been away for 3 years.
More than a week later I got a message from FR that he had just found SF dead in his apartment... FR was SF's best friend, and he had messaged SF a few times asking how his holiday was. No reply. He called. Voicemail. After a week he was so worried that he called the police and the police broke into his apartment where he was found. He must have been dead for a week (as otherwise he would have left for Gran Canaria) and it was not a pretty sight. The police told FR that he might not want to look at his friend. SF was 46 years old only, and he will be missed.

Monday, 8 August 2011

Cyber love

Another friend is in love without even having met the object of his desire: BR posted "BR is in love" on Facebook and from the comments I learned that he has just chatted on-line with his "love" and will meet face-to-face for the first time later this month. Well, miracles do happen and I sincerely hope that BR will not be disappointed, however the chances of BR knowing that this will be his "real love" are slim.
I have never fallen in love on-line (yet?). My closest experience was back in the late 1980's, when Internet and Internet dating didn't exist yet, and we were all using the telephone chatboxes. You'd call a number for gay chatting, would be connected to a "room" with some 10 other guys, people would introduce themselves ("Hi, good evening, my name is happyamsguy and I am 27 years old") and when two people liked each other from the first few sentences you could dial a number for an operator (a real human) to come to the room and you would ask if Mr X and Y could get a private room. And so it happened that I "met" a guy from Rotterdam. We liked each other and exchanged telephone numbers (the chatboxes were ridiculously expensive) and for the next few months we called each other almost every night. After a few days I proposed that we'd meet in person, but he didn't want that and suggested we would go on a "blind date holiday". First I didn't like the idea but he convinced me and we booked a bus tour to Prague some months later.
Our telephone conversations continued and it was all good and fun. I wasn't in love, but I was always looking forward to our frequent talks on the phone.
Time passed and the day arrived that we would meet. The bus would leave from a place close to my house and we agreed hat he'd arrive at my place an hour before we had to be at the bus station. As soon as I opened the door we both knew that this wasn't going to work. We were just not each other's type. Most of the time in Prague we went our separate ways, and only on the way back were we able to chat and talk about our adventure. Back in Amsterdam we said goodbye and never spoke to each other again.
Cyber love? I am sure it exists, but I am not a believer.

Monday, 27 June 2011


Today is WI's 48th birthday and last night we were out in force to celebrate at Taboo bar. It was a balmy summer night so we were on the street in front of the bar from 730pm until after midnight. As my own birthday is coming up later this week, a lot of people mentioned the big number that I will (hopefully) be reaching. I talked with HE, who will be 52 soon, and mentioned to him that I had been thinking that such a large part of my life is over and done with. After all, on average (if you are a bit lucky) most people are healthy (defined as mobile, able to do stuff, independent) until they are approximately 75 years old, so using that yardstick two-thirds of the pleasant part of my life are behind me.
HE said that he had been thinking similarly, but convinced himself (fooled himself?) that another comparison is better. He said "think about all you have done between ages 25 and 50, the people you have met, the loves and fucks, the movies you have seen, the parties you have been to, and then imagine you will have another similar period of all of the above". I must admit this made me feel better. I'll sign up for another 25 years of such fun! Cheers!

Saturday, 18 June 2011

Pain, pain go away

As a result of either a wrong posture on the long plane ride last Sunday night (I was tired and slept in my economy class seat for some 7 hours in the same position) or else an unprofessional massage in Bangkok, I have had bad pains since Tuesday. (strange, as after I arrived home on Monday everything was fine) First they were in my lower back, but ever since Thursday they are in my left upper leg only. The pains are worst when I rest (sit or lay down), which is bad for sleeping and every night I have woken up around 4am and I need to take painkillers to sleep again. Yesterday I smoked a joint before sleeping hoping that would be relaxing and would make me sleep easier, it worked a bit but not any better than the paracetamol.
I was afraid of "economy class syndrome" or deep vein thrombosis and went to see my doctor who checked the leg and did some tests. No worries, he said, it is some kind of muscle strain and the pain will disappear. The big question now is: when?

Tuesday, 14 June 2011

Showing that someone is special

How do you show someone that he is special to you? The question came back to me during my recent trip.
Should it be done in words (saying "I love you" regularly) or do actions (visiting as often as you can) speak louder than words? What if someone refuses to see the positive signs of admiration, and focuses on what he thinks are other loved ones in your life? How can I prove that someone is special to me - much more special than other friends that I have.

Likewise, how do you know what someone feels for you? Should I take his words literally - even if the words would hurt me, or should I read between the lines and put the words in the context of his personality? But then I am playing amateur-psychologist and I may be totally wrong in my conclusions. Or should I base my interpretation of his feelings on his actions which are so much more positive than his words?

And how to reconcile my doubts about his feelings with my attraction to his personality: the fact that he is not an easy book to read adds to his attractiveness. Would he be like me, I might have been bored with him - the fact that I need to keep working hard for his attention keeps it interesting.

And finally: if there are other friends or fucks how can we prove that they are just that: friends or fucks. Infinitely less important than someone who is a friend AND a fuck AND a soulmate.

Tuesday, 17 May 2011

Je l'amais

They were showing French movie Je l'amais ("I loved her") on TV tonight. I read the summary: "An older man tells his daughter-in-law the story of the love of his life: a woman with who he had a
passionate affair for several years - but he was too afraid to give up his life's certainties (job, wife and children) and to follow his heart" and I just had to see the movie.
Pierre (played by Daniel Auteuil) is a married man in his 40's who travels to Hong Kong for work where he meets his (French) interpreter, beautiful Mathilde (Marie-Josée Croze). It is love at first sight (a cute scene in which the Chinese businessmen talk in Chinese: "He is falling in love with the interpreter!", "A French guy in love is dangerous!", "Let's stop the meeting and continue tomorrow") Pierre and Mathilde start a passionate relationship, meeting as often as they can and clearly are meant for each other. However, Pierre can't decide to leave his wife and children, a decision he will regret for the rest of his life. Mathilde gets pregnant and decides that, as much as she loves Pierre, she can't continue the affair. When he tells the story to his daughter-in-law more than 10 years later, he says: "I have everything. Everything. A home. A summer cottage in the mountains, Money, A wife. Two children. But I am dead. Dead".

I have so much to think about. So much.