Birthday

Today is WI's 48th birthday and last night we were out in force to celebrate at Taboo bar. It was a balmy summer night so we were on the street in front of the bar from 730pm until after midnight. As my own birthday is coming up later this week, a lot of people mentioned the big number that I will (hopefully) be reaching. I talked with HE, who will be 52 soon, and mentioned to him that I had been thinking that such a large part of my life is over and done with. After all, on average (if you are a bit lucky) most people are healthy (defined as mobile, able to do stuff, independent) until they are approximately 75 years old, so using that yardstick two-thirds of the pleasant part of my life are behind me.
HE said that he had been thinking similarly, but convinced himself (fooled himself?) that another comparison is better. He said "think about all you have done between ages 25 and 50, the people you have met, the loves and fucks, the movies you have seen, the parties you have been to, and then imagine you will have another similar period of all of the above". I must admit this made me feel better. I'll sign up for another 25 years of such fun! Cheers!

Pain, pain go away

As a result of either a wrong posture on the long plane ride last Sunday night (I was tired and slept in my economy class seat for some 7 hours in the same position) or else an unprofessional massage in Bangkok, I have had bad pains since Tuesday. (strange, as after I arrived home on Monday everything was fine) First they were in my lower back, but ever since Thursday they are in my left upper leg only. The pains are worst when I rest (sit or lay down), which is bad for sleeping and every night I have woken up around 4am and I need to take painkillers to sleep again. Yesterday I smoked a joint before sleeping hoping that would be relaxing and would make me sleep easier, it worked a bit but not any better than the paracetamol.
I was afraid of "economy class syndrome" or deep vein thrombosis and went to see my doctor who checked the leg and did some tests. No worries, he said, it is some kind of muscle strain and the pain will disappear. The big question now is: when?

Showing that someone is special

How do you show someone that he is special to you? The question came back to me during my recent trip.
Should it be done in words (saying "I love you" regularly) or do actions (visiting as often as you can) speak louder than words? What if someone refuses to see the positive signs of admiration, and focuses on what he thinks are other loved ones in your life? How can I prove that someone is special to me - much more special than other friends that I have.

Likewise, how do you know what someone feels for you? Should I take his words literally - even if the words would hurt me, or should I read between the lines and put the words in the context of his personality? But then I am playing amateur-psychologist and I may be totally wrong in my conclusions. Or should I base my interpretation of his feelings on his actions which are so much more positive than his words?

And how to reconcile my doubts about his feelings with my attraction to his personality: the fact that he is not an easy book to read adds to his attractiveness. Would he be like me, I might have been bored with him - the fact that I need to keep working hard for his attention keeps it interesting.

And finally: if there are other friends or fucks how can we prove that they are just that: friends or fucks. Infinitely less important than someone who is a friend AND a fuck AND a soulmate.

Je l'amais

They were showing French movie Je l'amais ("I loved her") on TV tonight. I read the summary: "An older man tells his daughter-in-law the story of the love of his life: a woman with who he had a
passionate affair for several years - but he was too afraid to give up his life's certainties (job, wife and children) and to follow his heart" and I just had to see the movie.
Pierre (played by Daniel Auteuil) is a married man in his 40's who travels to Hong Kong for work where he meets his (French) interpreter, beautiful Mathilde (Marie-Josée Croze). It is love at first sight (a cute scene in which the Chinese businessmen talk in Chinese: "He is falling in love with the interpreter!", "A French guy in love is dangerous!", "Let's stop the meeting and continue tomorrow") Pierre and Mathilde start a passionate relationship, meeting as often as they can and clearly are meant for each other. However, Pierre can't decide to leave his wife and children, a decision he will regret for the rest of his life. Mathilde gets pregnant and decides that, as much as she loves Pierre, she can't continue the affair. When he tells the story to his daughter-in-law more than 10 years later, he says: "I have everything. Everything. A home. A summer cottage in the mountains, Money, A wife. Two children. But I am dead. Dead".

I have so much to think about. So much.

Always a reason to party.....

Friends

Biking home today I remembered a line from Queer as folk: "It is bad to go home alone after a night out - but it is much worse to go home alone when your best friend is not alone". More in general, I think one's happiness depends to some extent on the relative happiness compared to one's friends, so I was thinking about the lifes of some of my (gay) friends compared to mine:

Friend nr. 1: Early 40's, single now and has been single all his life. Owns a nice apartment. He has a busy, good job and an extremely busy social life (culture, sports, dinners, trips,...) with mostly straight (many female) friends. He has very little (almost no) sex - he doesn't like gay bars, doesn't do on-line dating, he still hopes to meet the man of his life at work or at a birthday party.

Friend nr. 2: Mid 40's, partnered for more than 20 years, he and his boyfriend match well and I think they are happy together. They own a nice, large house. My friend and his bf don't have sex anymore, my friend travels to various European cities regularly for sex parties (his bf knows). He has an OK job, and a nice social network: trips, dinners, culture,...

Friend nr. 3: Late 30's, single now. He has odd little jobs only, lives with his mother. He has the most interesting sex life of all my friends: I think he has more sex than all my other friends together. Social life is OK I think.

Friend nr. 4 : Late 40's, partnered for more than 15 years, he and his bf have not much in common and don't have sex anymore. He owns a nice apartment. This friend is co-owner of a successful business, busy job, and has an OK social life. Travels twice a year to another continent where he has a lover - these 6 weeks a year are the highlights of his year.

Friend nr. 5: Early 50's, single now after a few relationships. In his own words: "I am not good at relationships, I better stay single". Owns a small apartment. Has an interesting job. OK social network. Considered attractive and is enjoying his sex life again.

Friend nr. 6: Late 40's. He and his bf are partnered for some 20 years. They adopted a child. Own a nice house. Good, busy job. Very, very busy social life with family and friends. Not sure if he and his bf still have sex - probably not. Don't think he has sex elsewhere either.

Not sure why I wrote this. :-) I guess nobody's situation is perfect. and I don't have to be jealous of any of these friends. :-)

Contracorriente

Miguel is a married fisherman whose wife is about to give birth to their first child. Unknown to their small fishing community, he is having an affair with Santiago, a painter who temporarily resides on the beach "to paint", but in fact is totally in love with Miguel.
One day, Santiago drowns but his soul is haunting Miguel who thinks about Santiago all the time and can't forget him. When a local youth discovers the nude paintings that Santiago made of Miguel, the gossip circuit does its job and Miguel's wife finds out about her husband's affair.
Will Miguel be a real man and be honest to his wife and new-born son, and will he execute Santiago's final wish? A beautiful movie.